Funny Quotes!

Huh?

"That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks "stupid". Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably— Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!"- Glados (Portal 2!)

AND

"Alright, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take back the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your darn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!"- Cave Johnson (Portal 2)

"Let me check the results. It says you're a horrible person. That's what it says. We weren't even testing for that."- GLaDOS (portal 2)

You misquoted it. Anyway: "Science isn't about why, it's about why not. You ask: Why is so much of our science dangerous? I say: Why not marry safe science if you love it so much? In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you in the butt on the way out, because you are fired. No, not you, test subject, you're fine. Yes, you! Box your stuff! Out the front door! Parking lot! Car! Goodbye!"- Cave Johnson

Uhhhhhhh...

"Most test subjects do experience some cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now you've been under for... quite a lot longer, and it's not out of the question that you might have a very minor case of serious brain damage. But don't be alarmed, alright? Although, if you do feel alarm, try to hold onto that feeling because that is the proper reaction to being told you have brain damage.

Now, Just say something (computer prompts you to press space to say something) Um, what you did was jumping, you just jumped, but thats OK! now, say apple. (computer prompts you to press space to say apple) Ok, you know what? that's fine."

"I just spoke with the door mainframe. Let's say he won't be, well, living anymore."- GLaDOS

on Twitter

PianoWizzy: is playing the piano. You thought I'd never get around to that, did ya?

Gus's ex-wife: "Sweet, sweet Gus..."
Shawn: "Yeah, he's pretty sweet alright. His head is like a chocolate-covered honeydew."

[Shawn's piñata has been nailed to the door with a noose around it]
Shawn: Take that down! Children walk by here every day, carrying their hopes and dreams!

"Come on, Mister Bubbles! I can smell an angel! Let's go give it some kisses!"

Uh... What???

Best game of Whose Line [that is a game] on Whose Line is it Anyway:

Ryan: "People will think of Frankenstein and they will say... *pulls out piece of paper and reads* I can't believe it's not buttar. I don't know why but that's what they'll say."

From the Zero Puncuation game review of Darksiders. A game where you play as one of the horsemen of the apocalypse

"What right does War have to be angsty about his life. He's f****** War! He's never had to que up at the job center or pine after ex-girlfriends who left him for a surfer. He just breaks things. If I were War and I had just hoisted a seven foot demon in the air and lopped him in half with a single swing, I wouldn't stand there scowling. I'd go 'F****** HELL! DID ANYBODY SEE THAT!!! I am squirting machisma out of my nipples over here!!! I am a Monster truck that walks like a man!!!'"

From the review of Saints Row 2:
"Saints Row 2 shows a much better understanding of its audience: it is fully aware that most gamers are d***heads and if you give them any kind of freedom, their first instinct will be to abuse it. If you give them guns, they will shoot old ladies. If you give them cars, they will run over old ladies. If you give them aircraft, they will ascend to the highest possible heights and hurl themselves out onto an old lady. And if you give them customizable outfits, their first instinct will be to take off their clothes and run around the streets hip thrusting in the faces of old ladies. If you try to stop them doing all this, they'll hate you for it. Not only does Saints Row 2 not stop you, but it keeps score."

From the review of minecraft:
"This is one game where there's officially no shame in looking up the FAQ. A tutorial wouldn't go amiss. "See those trees?" it would begin by saying. "Chop them down with the flat of your hand. Now make a workbench. Now make a pickaxe. Mine some stone and make a better pickaxe. Now find some coal. If Lady Luck consents to smile, you'll find some in a wall somewhere - no, I don't know how you were supposed to figure all this out. And while your workbench is open make a shovel, because the sun's going down and now you're going to dig a big hole and cry in it until the exploding bush monsters go away." It's like their only reason to live is to ruin other people's artwork. There but for the grace of God go I, suicide hedge."

from the film Duck Soup

Trentino: Have you been trailing Firefly?
Chicolini: Have we been trailing Firefly? Why my partner he's got a nose just like a bloodhound?
Trentino: Oh really?
Chicolini: Yes, and the rest of his face don't look so good either.

Firefly: And now members of the cabinet, we'll take up old business.
Cabinet Member: I wish to discuss the tariff.
Firefly: Sit down, that's new business. [pause] No old business? Very well, we'll take up new business.
Cabinet Member: Now about the tariff.
Firefly: Too late, that's old business already.

Improv-A-Ganza-

[Question This (intros)]
Drew: My name's Bob, I live in Elko.
Chip: How many people live in Elko?
Drew: Me.

Colin: A number between 1 and 5, please.
Audience: 6

-----
Twitter-

Colin Mochrie: Just killed a couple of hours working in the yard. Also maimed a few minutes and decimated 16 seconds.

Drew Carey: Hey everyone! Had to cancel #TPIR tapings today. I fell while running this AM and separated my clavicle. Be back tomorrow though!
Simon Sam: Evidently @drewfromtv broke his collarbone when he was out for a jog and his personal assistant dropped him.
Colin Mochrie: @drewfromtv I had a broken ankle, wrist and pelvis on Season 4 of Whose Line.

From the zero puncuation reveiw of Dead to Rights: Retribution

"You play the preposterously named Jack Slate, a cop so close to the edge he has to wear a safety harness who surgically implants rare steaks into his muscles and who missed a golden opportunity when he chose policing rather than opening a roofing business. Someone murdered his father, so he's out searching for answers, and he's letting his gun do the talking, and his gun only knows one very loud word!"

Gus: [to Lassiter, after pulling him over] Have you been drinking, sir?
Lassiter: That's it!
Shawn: Sir, if you don't calm down I will be forced to taze you in the face.

Classic Whose Line-

[Scenes From A Hat!]
Drew: "What Robin Williams is thinking right now."
Robin Williams: "I have a career. What the hell am I doing?"

[Weird Newscasters]
Colin: "This just in - Beverly Hills 90210... Cleveland Browns 3."

I love Improv-A-Ganza, Insanity.

Also,

trickynik wrote:
Gus: [to Lassiter, after pulling him over] Have you been drinking, sir?
Lassiter: That's it!
Shawn: Sir, if you don't calm down I will be forced to taze you in the face.

I love that episode If Shawn had a tazer...that show would be even more amazing.

Jules: "Shawn, for a psychic, you're missing something that's right in front of your face."
Shawn: "Jules, it's your clavicle."

Gus: That owl is made entirely out of cinnamon!
Shawn: Which means it is both wise and delicious.




Shawn: We're not here to judge you, Mr. Barker. We came to investigate, catch bad guys and eat pie.
Gus: Not necessarily in that order.
Shawn: And it hasn't been.
Gus: No.
Shawn: We started with the pie.
Gus: Always.

Shawn: I don't lose things. I place things in locations which later elude me.
Gus: That's the same thing as losing it.
Shawn: Maybe to those without the nuance chromosome.

Shawn: Meat Is Murder by The Smiths; 1984, Van Halen; both missing.
Juliet: Are you sure?
Shawn: Of course I'm sure; they're clearly in order.
Juliet: Tears for Fears, Depeche Mode, Thompson Twins. What order were you using?
Shawn: Sweetness.
Juliet: Men Without Hats is sweeter than Echo & the Bunnymen?
Mr. Yang: More importantly, where are Devo and Talking Heads in all of this?

GoodUsername wrote:I love Improv-A-Ganza, Insanity.

*screams of delight*

A hamster is a lot like a cigarette: they are both harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.

Heard that from Tim. No idea where he heard, but I think it's hilarious