Funny Quotes!

Some funny Dialogue from the TV show Mystery Science theater 3000

[The evil stepmother makes up her own daughter Marfushka to look like a Matryoshka doll.]
Stepmother: Nope! Not a princess.
Servo: She's got that healthy clown glow.
Marfushka: Oh, no?
Stepmother: You are a queen!
Mike: In that you look like Freddie Mercury.

[The Phantom witnesses Prince of Space invading his headquarters.]
Phantom: What a fool!
Servo [as Phantom]: He has defeated us numerous times, what makes him think he can do it again?

Kalgan: I'm going to use this laser on your teeth. It's similar to ancient dentistry, not that you'd know anything about that.
Servo [as Kalgan]: You're too stupid to know anything about dentistry.
Lea: You b******!
Mike [as Lea]: How dare you insult my knowledge of ancient dentistry!

Kirk, making the Vulcan salute: How many fingers do I have up?
Dr. McCoy: That’s not very funny.

Picard, to Data: I would be delighted to offer any advice I can on understanding women. When I have some, I’ll let you know.

Picard: Make a difference!
Kirk: I take it the odds are against us and the situation’s grim.
Picard: You could say that.
Kirk: If Spock were here, he’d say that I was an irrational, illlogical human being for going on a mission like this... Sounds like fun!

Garak: The truth is usually just an excuse for a lack of imagination.

[When Data has finally installed the emotion chip and has gained an understanding of humor]
Geordi: Data... I made that joke seven years ago.
Data: I know! I just got it!

Dr. Crusher: If there's nothing wrong with me...maybe there's something wrong with the universe!

McCoy, about Spock: God, I liked him better before he died.

"Sir, there's a 'Lieutenant Crunch' here to see you."
"Crunch?"
(*Shawn walks in wearing an army costume*)
"Actually I've been promoted, it's "Captain" Crunch."

"The Enrichment Center is required to remind you that you will be baked, and then there will be cake."- Glados

"I thought I told you no."- Lassiter
"But your eyes said yes."- Shawn Spencer from Psych

"Deploying surprise in five … four … [Morality core becomes detached from GLaDOS and falls to the floor] Time out for a second. That wasn't supposed to happen. Do you see that thing that fell out of me? What is that? It's not the surprise. I've never seen it before. Never mind, it's a mystery I'll solve later … by myself, because you'll be dead."- Glados

"Hello grumpy penguin from 'Happy Feet'."- Shawn Spencer from Psych

"What you just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I've ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

I'm not sure exactly who said that but it's just like one of my most prominent voices in my head.

"Gus, it's 2008!"
"It's 2010 Shawn!"
"Please! That would mean we're at war with the machines!"

"Have I lied to you? [Pause] I mean, in this room?"- Glados

"How can you tell that someone's a compulsive liar? I mean, assuming that their pants aren't on fire."- Shawn Spencer From Psych

From the Comic book series Nextwave: Agents of H.A.T.E.

Aaron Stack: Shut up. I am a unique robot intellect.
Monica: You're ****. I mean, you're the **** robot I ever heard of.
The Captain: Aaron, I'm sorry, man, but you are a bit ****.
Aaron Stack: Listen, you-- I was taken up into space by the Celestials because I'm so **** great. Space gods. Interstellar travel. Everything.
The Captain: So why'd you come back?
*flashback* Aaron is standing before the giant cosmic Celestials
Arishem: Aaron Stack, you who are called Machine Man. You have traveled with us for three hundred and sixty cycles by your reckoning of time. There is now something we have to tell you... You are total ****.
Aaron Stack: ...what?
Arishem: No. Really. You're ****. We've taken a year of you. We're taking you back to that orbiting trashcan you call a planet and dumping you there. You're turning away from us. We are speaking to you and you're turning away from us. This is exactly the kind of **** we were talking about here.
Aaron Stack: Please... Don't look...I don't want you to believe...that even a robot can cry.
Arishem makes the L for loser sign
Arishem: See what we mean? Complete and utter ****.
Flashback to present
Aaron Stack: I decided I could do more good among you **** fleshy ones.

From the movie Hoodwinked
Wolf - You see Twitchy, when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. next scene...and than that lemonade turns bitter and ferments and turns to pig swill. Never trust a bunny!
Twitchy - Sure thing boss! Never trust a bunny!

On the topic of quotes about lies,

"Teller of untruths, teller of untruths, your trousers have combusted." - Dr. Sheldon Cooper, The Big Bang Theory

"[After burning the morality core] You're kidding me. Did you just stuff that Aperture Science thing-we-don't-know-what-it-does into an Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator? That has got to be the dumbest thing that … whoa, whoa, whoa... [Laughs, voice changes] Good news: I figured out what that thing you just incinerated did. It was a morality core they installed after I flooded the enrichment center with a deadly neurotoxin, to make me stop flooding the enrichment center with a deadly neurotoxin. So get comfortable while I warm up the neurotoxin emitters."- Glados

"Only in America will a pizza travel to your house faster then an ambulance."

"I'M IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOTIONNN~" - IDK.

"Only in America do we leave the bank doors wide open but chain the pens to the desks."

Dear Mind,
Please stop interfering.
Love,
Heart

Dear Heart,
You are a moron.
Sincerely,
Mind

Henry Spencer:[leans in very close] "Are you busy on Saturday?"
Shawn Spencer: "You- you want to to come to awkward class with you?"

"Look, we're both stuck in this place. I'll use lasers to inscribe a line down the center of the facility, and one half will be where you live, and I'll live in the other half. We won't have to try to kill each other or even talk if we don't feel like it."- Glados

Shawn: You're mad.
Gus: I'm not mad; I'm happy, I'm thrilled. I love looking like an idiot.
Shawn: That explains your shoes.

"The Enrichment Center promises to always provide a safe testing environment. In dangerous testing environments, the Enrichment Center promises to always provide useful advice. For instance, the floor here will kill you. Try to avoid it."- Glados

"I feel like I have been incarcerated in a blueberry. This car makes me want to weep and then die."- TV show judge from Psych

"Quitting to me would be like giving up"- Monk