Funny Quotes!

find funny quotes and post them here! refrain from very well known quotes, and post Monty Python quotes in the topic under spam.

don't quote yourself unless you find yourself laughing every time you think of that quote. XD and we don't need quotes from elsewhere in the forum unless you have other quotes to go with that post.

you can post multiple quotes at once.

with that being said, QUOTE!!!

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"All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height." - some random guy named Casey Stengel

"Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep." - some random guy named Fran Lebowitz

"I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now?" - John Lennon

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[my 1300th post!! XD]

"It was about 80 percent physical and 40 percent mental" - a quote from a football coach in The Lexicon of Stupidity.

Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted. ~John Lennon

[friend]: [cut] OMG I DID NOT JUST SAY THAT
Me: no, you didn't, but i get what you're not saying. ^_^

"One man's sip is another man's chug." ~Garfield

They misunderestimated me- George W. Bush
I have opinions of my own, but I don't always agree with them- George W. Bush

*sings* YOU'RE SO VAAIIIIN!
Tch. I know.

"We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time." - some random person called Vince Lombardi

"I've always wanted to smash a guitar over someone's head, you just can't do that with a piano." ~Elton John

Life is hard. After all it kills you. (I don't know who said this)

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. ~ Groucho Marx

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

I never forget a face, though in your case i'll be glad to make an exception- Groucho Marx
lesser artists borrow great artists steal- Igor Stravinsky

"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams

Never laugh at live dragons- J. R. Tolken
Weather forecast for tonight, dark- George Carlin
In politics, stupidity is not a handicap- Napoleon Bonaparte
I'm not as think as you drunk I am!- Mega Jones
If mom says no ask grandma- Unknown
I get mail, therefore I am- Scott Adams
I am a deeply superficial person- Andy Warhol
When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only Sick- George Burns
You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog- Harry Truman
Always be smarter than the people who hire you- Lena Horne
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand- Kurt Vonnegut
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food- W. C. Fields
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them- Samuel Palmer
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music- Groucho Marx
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason- Jerry Seinfeld
Work is the curse of the drinking classes- Oscar Wilde
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle- Bob Hope
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing- Emo Phillips

Alice Cullen: "i've never seen anyone so prone to life threatening idiocy."

"i hear voices in my head and they don't like you."

"Did you know that 'I told you so' has a brother, Jacob? His name is 'Shut the hell up'" - Bella Cullen (originally from the Simpsons)

"How strongly are you opposed to Grand Theft Auto?" - Alice Cullen

"I was just wondering why you stabbed him. Not that I object." - Edward Cullen

Seth: "Edward? Edward, you there? Okay, now I feel kinda stupid"
Jacob: "You sound stupid, too."

"If you two are having a fight... well, don't let me interrupt." - Charlie Swan

"You are bizarrely moral for a vampire" - Bella

Edward: I was all embraced for the anger that put grizzlies to shame and this is what i get. I should infuerate you more often.

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Fred Weasley: You know, George, I've always felt out futures lay outside the world of academic achievement.
George Weasley: Fred, I've been thinking exactly the same thing.

AHH! TWILIGHT!!! NO!!

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing- Emo Phillips

Lol. He should have bought a Mac Pro.

@Megan: heheh, you are obsessed!

just like you and Elton John?


I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

no, actually, i'm a lot more obsessed than that. XD i'm so excited even at the fact that i'm going to be in the same STATE as Elton John's house!! XD



"Those who give up too often will accomplish nothing, but those who never give up will find themselves fighting battles they can't win." - Zac117 from the Paint.NET Forum

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Lily Tomlin

California is a fine place to live -- If you happen to be an orange- Fred Allen

last words


"I don't feel so good..." - Luther Burbank

"I don't care if you ARE a bunch of pirates, you're still dressed funny!" - Tyrone

"Precious, precious, precious! MY Precious! Oh, my Precious!" - Gollum

those are the strangest last words i've ever read. XD

Insanity wrote:@Megan: heheh, you are obsessed!

[quote="Jon"]AHH! TWILIGHT!!! NO!!

I'm not THAT obsessed ... ok ... maybe i am... but they were really funny!

and there was one from harry potter and the order of the pheonix in there too!

HA, i knew it, i am more obsessed.

Every generalization is dangerous, especially this one- Mark Twain

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. - Bob Hope

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. - H. L. Mencken

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. - Steven Wright