Funny Quotes!

I smile because you are my brother, I laugh because there is nothing you can do about it-(me)

I ain't sleeping. I'm just taking a good look at the insides of my eyelids.- Johathan Raban

i just realized... some song lyrics are pretty funny!

"How come birds don't fall from the sky when they die?" - Birds from Songs From The West Coast [2001] by Elton John / Bernie Taupin

"Nostradamus said "I predict
That the world will end at half past six"
What he didn't say was exactly when
Was he listening to the radio
Was he listening to the government" - Tinderbox from The Captain And The Kid [2006] by Elton John / Bernie Taupin

"why is the rum always gone" Jack Sparrow

in Chemistry on Monday...

Mrs. Bone: now I have a special request for your lab on Wednesday, anybody know what it is? yes.
Me: *holds up pen* our favorite pen!
Mrs. Bone: yup! bring in your favorite pen! Felicia's favorite pen looks like an astronaut
Me: rocket man...
Mrs. Bone: oh?
Me: I love that song
Mrs. Bone: haha, yes, um, we happened to have a big Elton John fan in this room...
Megan: I think that's an understatement

"I'm not as random as you think I, salad" -me

Jim Brass: Let me get this straight, Larry. An old man refuses to let you steal his money, so you jack a Hummer and try to run over his taco stand?
Lawrence Lafontaine: Maybe.
Gil Grissom: I think this is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

CookieMonsterofthe42 wrote:"I'm not as random as you think I, salad" -me

that is totally not your quote. I've seen that, like, everywhere.

Last Words: "Those snipers couldn't hit an elephant from that distance." -Some random civil war general who was shot immediately after saying this

"I know more about casino security than any man alive, I invented it, and it cannot be beaten. They got cameras, they got locks, they got watchers, they got timers, they got vaults, they got enough armed personnel to occupy Paris! [pause] Okay, bad example."

-Reuben Tishkoff

"I was asked to show some restraint. Otherwise, you would have gone out to your favorite car with all the 17 you own and as soon as you turn on the ignition--[car explodes] You got two weeks."

-Terry Benedict

From The Big Bang Theory:
Penny=stereotypical blonde // Sheldon=annoying prodigy genius

Penny: Hang on, I think the emergency key is around here somewhere.
Sheldon: We have a bowl. Our keys go in a bowl. You should get a bowl.
Penny: So how did the beautiful mind of Sheldon Cooper forget his keys in the first place?
Sheldon: I left them in the bowl.


Penny: Four years I lived with him! Four years, I mean that's like as long as high school!
Sheldon: It took you FOUR YEARS to get through high school?!

“Your cat will never threaten your popularity by barking at three in the morning. He won't attack the mailman or eat the drapes, although he may climb the drapes to see how the room looks from the ceiling.”

if pro is the opposite of con, isn't progress the opposite of congress?

Don't steal! the government doesn't want competition.

Hotdog: Hi, I'm a bunch of flesh squished into a tight skin casing...just like you!

Raj=Indian astrophysicist
Raj: How about we go Rock, Paper, Scissors?
Sheldon: Eww, I don't think so, no. Research suggests that players familiar with each other will tie 75%-80% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes. I suggest Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock.
Raj: What?
Sheldon: Look, it's very simple. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

"Even Odie has an ego. He just doesn't have a brain. Which is actually good, because if he had a brain he would realize that he's a dog, which would be bad for his ego." ~Garfield

"Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?"

"WHY DID THEY BUILD HOUSES HERE WITH NO 3G?

[a teeny bit of background: Dr. Ned says that I'm 12 so that I'm free]

Chiropractor Dr. Ned: You've been running a lot! Are you trying to get into shape?
Me: Wha... I never told you that...
Dr. Ned: What, d'ja meet a boy?!
Me: *hysterical laughter*
Dr. Ned: He isn't an American, is he? They eat so much junk food! I hope he's older than 12.

"The Enrichment Center, regrets to inform you, that a notable taste of blood, is not part of any test protocol, but is an unintended side effect, of the Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grid. Which may, in semi-rare cases, emancipate dental fillings, crown, Toathing Amil, and teeth." GLaDOS (It really is spelled that way) from Portal (The video game).

"the cake is a lie." -GLaDOS


I LOVE PORTAL AND CANNOT WAIT FOR PORTAL 2!!!!

"You know what the biggest lesson I learned from what you did is. We're a lot alike, you know. You tested me, I tested you. You killed me, I... Oh wait, I guess I haven't killed you yet. Hmm, food for thought." GLaDOS from Portal 2.

eklipse13 wrote:"the cake is a lie." -GLaDOS


I LOVE PORTAL AND CANNOT WAIT FOR PORTAL 2!!!!

INCORRECT PORTAL QUOTE ALERT!!!

The ratman scrawls that on the walls. GLaDOS does not say that

That is very true.

"Here at the Enrichment Center, we believe that a highly motivated test subject can carry out rather complex tasks while enduring the most intense pain. So in case you don't make it through the testing, goodbye." GLaDOS from the trailer of Portal.

"You misunderestimated me"- George W. Bush