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My Book. (WIP)

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Post  azer Sun Nov 15, 2009 6:38 pm

This is the first chapter of the fantasy novel I am trying to write. Please ignore any weird words, they are part of the language I am creating. (One note: Nachtick is a racial slur for the Najun, or night dwellers [literally: people of the night] who are sort of like elves.)

Spoiler:


Last edited by azer on Wed May 26, 2010 4:46 pm; edited 3 times in total
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Post  azer Sun Nov 15, 2009 6:39 pm

Another note:

Alyan is Quenya elvish (LOTR elvish) for Asher
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Post  BobShmob Sun Nov 15, 2009 7:39 pm

I liked it a lot. Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

The only thing is that the sentence "Down on a ledge was a line of boys, breaking the rock into chunks, which yet other boys took away to have the small bits of mineral that were lodged in the rock separated and put into a barrel." seemed slightly awkward.
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Post  azer Sun Nov 15, 2009 7:45 pm

Thanks
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Post  eklipse13 Sun Nov 15, 2009 11:39 pm

nice! i'm writing a story too... might post it later.
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Post  TYUIOP Fri Nov 27, 2009 9:54 pm

I think Ashers book is awesome My Book. (WIP) Icon_surprised
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Post  eklipse13 Sat Nov 28, 2009 4:33 pm

no duh, he's your brother...
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Post  BobShmob Sat Nov 28, 2009 5:01 pm

well actually, the typical thing a brother would say is that the books is awful- plz don't reply, or this will got off-topic Wink Wink
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Post  CookieMonsterofthe42 Fri Dec 04, 2009 7:48 pm

wow Asher I love it Very Happy
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Post  azer Wed May 26, 2010 4:45 pm

Alright, so I have canceled this book for now, for several reasons. First of all, my world has developed beyond the original vision I had for this book, the concept is not really original enough, and I had SERIOUS trouble getting inspired by it. In light of this, I am starting on a new work, which I will post here. It will take some ideas from my other story, and the protagonist will have the same name (because it is a cool name), but the basic premise is very different, and the world is a little different and less ripped-off from Tolkien...
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Post  azer Wed May 26, 2010 4:59 pm

Ok, so here is the new prologue:

PROLOGUE:

The room had been designed as a comfortable sleeping quarters, with a small but pleasant bed, a dusty desk, and a few rarely-lit candles, but for the boy who lived there, it was a prison.

He was almost eleven years old, but the thing he wanted most of all was his mother. He was rarely allowed to see his mother often, only every other week's end when Tulthan brought her down, the dangled bait to keep the boy from trying to escape.

His name was Alyan, which his mother had always told him meant blessed. This was one of many things his mother told him during their times together, and although he hated himself for it, he began to wonder if it too was just another lie, told to offset the endless misery of time.

He was tall, but thin and pale from a life spent indoors. He was fast though, and nimble, and had learned to slip notes to his mother undetected by Tulthan. He had black hair and grey eyes, and could be called handsome if not for the two small pointed horns almost concealed by his hair.
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Post  azer Wed May 26, 2010 5:01 pm

I know that it is short, but I feel that it does its job to form a basic and concise introduction to the story (rest assured that chapter 1 will be much longer, although it will take me a while).
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Post  azer Wed May 26, 2010 8:25 pm

replies, plz

Quadruple post? Consider yourself the über postmeister™️.
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Post  GoodUsername Mon May 31, 2010 6:34 pm

Sounds really good so far Happy
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Post  BobShmob Sat Jun 05, 2010 10:34 am

So far it is hard to get a feel for the actual plot/character (only because you have only posted a very small thingy), but it is very well written and I like it Happy
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Post  azer Thu Jun 17, 2010 11:54 am

Alright, at long last I have finished the next part of my story.

Right now, Alyan was reading. He was reading a small scroll his mother had slipped him unnoticed, and he was finding it quite interesting, and frightening. The scroll told him, in a neat shorthand, why he was here. It was, in effect the condensed history of his life.
His life had always seemed to Alyan an unsolvable oddity; he knew that his mother was a great mystic capable of mighty spells, but here he was, locked in an old bedroom, with his mother forced to teach Tulthan the secrets of the mystic. He often wondered why his mother could not turn Tulthan into a newt and take him out of there, just as he wondered why he had horns on his head, an occurrence that seemed, even to his limited knowledge, an oddity. He had sometimes seen other people through the windows of the dungeon that was his home, and while many of them did not resemble him in the least, they at least did not have horns. He supposed that there must be people with horns somewhere in the world and that his mother must have married one, as she certainly did not have horns. Through their secret written communications, Alyan had often asked his mother to explain these anomalies, and always she had refused, until now. Now, although he did not regret his asking, he was intimidated by what he found.
Alyan’s mother, whose name was Mulaya, had once been a respected and senior Mystician, one of the highest of their reclusive and tight-knit order. Unlike most mystics, she did not shun a public life, and was married to a wealthy nobleman. She had led a comfortable life, exploring the secrets of the arcane further than any of her colleagues, into realms untread by any before her. She became pregnant be the nobleman, but that did not stop her research. Her works were celebrated by all, and one night, several months into her pregnancy, she prepared a spell that would be her greatest yet, a spell that would allow her to glimpse the World Beyond the world. She prepared a room with all of her magical foci, her crystal ball and mirrors, and began the mental preparations for her magnum opus. She entered a deep meditation, gathering her power, until at last she released the spell. For one terrible moment her eyes opened wide, and she saw before her not the splendor of the Divine Being, as she had hoped, but the other part of the Beyond, the twisted monsters that are the soul of all the plentiful evil in the world. Her scream was heard throughout the tower, long and horrendous at the sight of the root of all the fear in the world. When Mages hurried to her room, she was sprawled on the floor, frozen on a position of terror. She did not awaken until days later, when she screamed again and almost ran from her bed. She recovered under the care of a healer-priest, but she did not tell anyone what she had seen, telling the mystics instead that she had had a nightmare amplified by the present magic. She resumed a normal life, temporarily refraining from magic, until the time came to bear her child. When it came, it soon became obvious that the woman had been affected by the darkness she had glimpsed. The child, a boy named Alyan, was marked with small horns and red eyes. The mages, appalled, cast both mother and child out of the tower, and left them to fend for themselves in the street. It is likely that a terrible fate would have befallen them both, but a young apprentice named Tulthan, deemed unexceptional by his tutors, saw on opportunity. Using a dark artifact to cut Mulaya off from her magic, he threatened to kill Alyan if she did not teach him in magic. She was forced to agree, and he hid them in the tower’s sprawling underground catacombs away from prying eyes. Mulaya reluctantly taught him in the mystic arts, while Alyan was kept as an assurance of obedience, locked in a room.


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Post  BobShmob Thu Jun 17, 2010 4:10 pm

This is getting more interesting Happy I like it.
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Post  TYUIOP Thu Jun 17, 2010 5:07 pm

Nice word choice
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Post  okohokonu Sun Oct 24, 2010 5:26 pm

ba dah bum bum bah!

I'm lovin it. I would definitely want to read this if I found it on a bookshelf. Keep up the awesome work!

Edit: sorry for the necropost (kinda) I didn't look at the date and hadn't seen this thread because of my extended absence so....


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Post  trickynik Mon Oct 25, 2010 12:25 pm

Very creative!

This would be a book that I would totally read! And that's saying something, seeing as I read very few books.
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